By JoAnn (Chaya) Gibson
In early June, my adult son was diagnosed with aggressive metastatic cancer. The prognosis for recovery is extremely poor. The shock of it felt overwhelming and unreal.
He had gone to the emergency room with stomach pain. Something simple, I thought, maybe an ulcer. He is 62 years old, engaged to be married and looking forward to retirement.
I expected to spend my remaining years with him as part of my family and life. As the reality of his diagnosis sank in, I experienced the first waves of grief.
These waves came with a kind of fury. They reminded me of being a child at the seashore. A wave would pick me up, spin me around and pull me under. Then it spit me out on the shore.
Now, however, I am not pulled under. I have a buoyancy that comes from the practice of exploring Beingness.
In my yoga class, during the Guided Awareness in Shavasana, I feel my toes. Feeling all ten toes, I know that I have toes. Feeling openings from poses lets me know I am more than my body and personality.
When I meditate, I connect to an energy that supports me through the day. I am supported while I go through this grief.
When I’m in a program with my Guru, Swami Nirmalananda, I feel a presence, peace and a power. Her gift of Shaktipat gave me the experiential knowing of my Self.
When we chant, the problems of the world sink into the background. Then I am in the now. By staying based in Beingness, my heart can stay open. I can go on this journey with my son without fear.
As a therapist, I worked with people coping with present trauma or recovering from past trauma. We would explore together whether there was a “gift” in the event. Did the pain provide an experience that changed how they lived their life? Was there a lesson that needed to be learned? Was the pain a doorway into a new way of being in life ?
Now I say yes when answering this question for myself. As the waves of grief continue, I am aware that I am more based in my heart’s energy.
Music affects me more deeply. I feel more connected to people, plants and animals. I am aware of feeling more empathy and compassion for my fellow travelers on Earth’s plane.
My heart feels broken, yet also more open. I am grateful for my Guru and the Svaroopa® Vidya spiritual path.