By Ben Waters

Interviewed by Lor (Priya) Kennedy

From the very first Swami Sunday I stumbled into, I knew. I had found the most important part of my life. Swami Sunday is the place where I began to find my Self. It’s where I got to know Gurudevi. If it were offered every day, I would be there. Outside of living at the Ashram, Swami Sunday is how I can spend time with Gurudevi Nirmalananda every week. 

I really didn’t know what I was looking for 10 years ago. I didn’t have a clue what a Guru was. In the beginning, I just watched her. I knew I wanted to give everything to this person, to give her my life. But I questioned why I felt that way — wasn’t she just another human being? 

In the past, she’s been everything to me, but she continues to be even more. My relationship with her and my understanding of who she is continues to unfold. Now I have a relationship with her on the inside too. At first, there was a duality, but now I am realizing, she is no different than me. She is my Self. In meditation, when I repeat mantra, there is nothing but her form. 

One of the things that brought me to spiritual practice was a crippling social anxiety. Serving as emcee for Swami Sunday was intimidating at first. My voice would crack and shake. I didn’t want to screw up and disappoint Gurudevi. 

Then I realized it wasn’t about me whatsoever. I was one of the many people Gurudevi uses as a link between her and others. Often, when I share my personal story, it’s in alignment with her talk that day. I’m trusting that it’s really not about me — it’s all taken care of. Being able to serve her this way is incredible. It’s a little part I can do to give back.

How was I blessed to find a Shaktipat Guru and have this relationship with her? My karma in this life has been tough. But if I had to go through all that to get to her, it was worth it.