By Gurudevi Nirmalananda

Tears well up in my eyes on this bittersweet day, the lunar anniversary of my Baba’s mahasamadhi. He was born on the full moon and he left on the full moon, showing that his mind and heart always shone with Divine Light.

Tears of gratitude mingle with tears of sadness. I would leap at the opportunity to bow at his feet again. Yet I live in a full-time full-pranam, extended out on my belly, on the floor at his feet. Both are true at the same time.

The form and the formless come together in the Guru in a tangible way, so easy to see, so easy to melt into. I could see God in him once I learned how to look. Better yet, he made me able to find God within, to find God being me.

We chant his arati every morning and at satsangs, Jyota se Jyota. And there is a second part to the song. It begins with “Tvameva mata, cha pitta tvameva,” meaning “You are mother, you are father…” Yes, Baba re-mothered me and re-fathered me. He filled in the gaps where my parents couldn’t understand or meet me. I sang heartfully every morning in the years I lived with him.

One of the verses says:

You have given me everything. What shall I offer to you, O Master?

With folded hands, I offer salutations.

For me, more than salutations, I gave him my life. Each morning, singing this verse, I folded my hands and offered him my life. After four or five years of doing this, one morning I was surprised to hear his voice speak to me inside, “What, did you take yourself back since yesterday?” Shocked, I realized it was true. In order to give my life to him again, I must have taken it back.

I laughed out loud as my own inner voice accused me of being an “Indian-giver.” While I knew the phrase was derisive toward native Americans, I was directing it toward myself. After all, I was in India, trying to give something to my Guru that I would simply take back later in the day.

So that time, I gave myself to Baba, knowing I was giving myself to God in a way I had never done before. I have had no reason to take myself back again. It’s a glorious way to live!

Yes, today I celebrate my Baba’s life. I even celebrate his death, for he is even more available now than when he was limited to a form. Jai Muktananda!